10/30/2022
Cancer update: So, it’s been two weekends since receiving my first round of chemo, which was actually four treatments over three days. Two on the first day. As far as I can tell, I’ve had one significant bit of nausea, quite a bit of fatigue, and some neuropathy (tingling kind of like when an extremity falls asleep.) Since yesterday, my hair began coming out, and now it’s falling out in clumps. I’m not sure when that usually happens, but here I am! I’ll shave my head tomorrow morning. I’ve never been bald before, but have shaved my hair pretty short in the past, so it’s not as big an emotional hit as it must be for women. My heart aches for them. It is a very strong and clear cut message that I am, indeed, a cancer patient. It’s real. And that is my point this evening.
Acceptance, when we’re presented with something major like cancer, is a huge step. We all go through various emotions when confronting something like this. To me, fully accepting this new reality is a big leap, but one I’ve already made. It’s been a remarkably short runway to reach that stage, ascIcwas diagnosed I think on October 4th. Heather Clark can correct that date for me if I got it wrong.
We ask ourselves why?! Why is this happening? Why me? There’s always a period of denial, and I think a period of mourning, where we lament this enormous loss (in this case of our status as an ordinary person with an ordinary life.) There is tremendous grief and of course, fear and doubt. Grief because we’re forced to confront our own mortality, and the fact that we’ve lost control of our health, to an extent. Fear, of dying, of the unknown, of leaving everyone and everything behind. Doubt in our ability to fight. It seems so overwhelming, to have to battle something inside ourselves that’s trying to kill us. Something for which there is no cure. Doubt about who will be there with us through this. We feel helpless. We feel alone. We feel like we may lose everything. I am sure that many feel they want to let nature take its course, and they await death. They don’t fight, sustaining treatments and procedures that can seem endless, can be painful and debilitating. I’ve seen that happen, and understand their decision. But that’s just not me!
I have cancer. I have an incurable disease. I accept that. But I will not curl up in a ball and languish in despair. Ok, I absolutely have broken down in tears numerous times this last month. Anger, despair, fear, more anger, self doubt, self pity…yep, been there. Probably will go there some more. It’s a dark cavern I won’t fall into, but certainly stand upon the edge p*ering into now and again.
However, I feel in my soul that I am not done yet. I have a higher purpose that hasn’t quite revealed itself yet. I have so much patience. It’s been building up over the last years as I healed from my accident. I feel deeply thatvIm meant to do something, and that it’s not time yet. I can’t explain why I feel that, just like I can’t explain how I got cancer. I just know I’m meant to be here, to do something greater, and therefore, cancer is just a bump in the road. It’s certainly the biggest damned pot hole I’ll probably ever have to navigate through, but I’m convinced I will. Just as I accept that I have cancer, I also believe I’m in God’s hands, and accept that he will guide me through this. I feel him all around me, especially through all the people sending me their love, prayers and support.
I also am so fortunate to have close friends and family that have battled all sorts of cancer and other debilitating diseases and beat it back. They’ve survived. Their stories are amazing, inspiring and energizing. They fill me with hope. These people are so incredibly strong and they seem fearless, far more so than I. They are super heroes! I’m sure they’ve all had their moments of doubt and fear. Some experienced far greater pain than I have, many more procedures than I have. Some battled for years. Some still are! But their spirits, their energy and strength, well, it’s nothing short of miraculous!
I am learning so much about myself and others, and am so grateful to be able to share a little of what I’m seeing, feeling and experiencing. I felt compelled to write, because that’s my therapy, in a way.
Something deep inside of me just said to start writing. So here I am. And I’m going to keep at it with the hope that messages and meanings will solidify and clarify themselves as I write. I’m doing this to help myself, and writing is the best way for me to clearly express myself.
Thanks for reading! I’m off to sleep and then to shave my head. What a ride! Thanks for coming along!
Cheers,
Walter
