05/23/2024
My mother tells me that I almost didn’t survive to 13.
Now that I have a 12 year old daughter, I get it.
Twelve is hard.
Heck… everything between 11 and 21 is hard.
As Michael Hauge shared: “No one escapes adolescence without a wound.”
…and despite our best efforts, it’s often the people who love us the most, who wound us the deepest.
I study psychology and brain science for a living.
I teach trauma and how to regulate one’s nervous system.
I understand that my daughter’s brain is awash with hormones that encourage independence, at all costs.
And yet…
I still lose my temper more often than I would like to admit as a mother.
So today I want to talk about TRIGGERS & PATTERNS.
A Trigger is anything that elicits a strong emotional or behavioral, often unconscious, response.
Sometimes triggers are good!
When I was learning self-hyponsis for giving birth, I trained my body to relax in response to the word “Oxford.”
But more often than not, “triggers” refer to an outside circumstance that reactivates past traumatic experiences, to which we respond with an automatic stress response.
Someone who has experienced a traumatic car crash may feel intense anxiety and even have physiological response (like their heart beats fast and they break out into a cold sweat) when they hear tires squeal.
A Pattern is a learned behavior, usually habituated through repetition or reinforcement.
Patterns can be beneficial (like brushing your teeth every day) or “maladaptive” (like resorting to yelling at our kids when they don’t obey us).
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Patience is a difficult virtue for me, personally.
What’s helped me is understanding that most of the time, my impatience, irritation and anger is a pattern of behavior in response to certain triggers, like “perceived disrespect.”
Once I understood these concepts, I could approach tense situations with Curiosity and Compassion (for myself and the other person!).
Here are some self-reflection questions you (and I!) can use the next time we find ourselves “reacting” in a way that doesn’t feel aligned with how we want to show up in the world:
1) What specific event or situation just occurred that triggered my reaction, and how did my body and emotions respond?
(for example: “When my daughter told me ‘No’ when I asked her to do the dishes, I felt angry and my body got hot.”)
2) What past experiences or memories might be connected to my current reaction, and how did I feel and react during those past experiences?
(“Growing up, whenever I was disobedient or disrespectful, my mother yelled at or threatened me until I acquiesced. I felt angry and helpless.”)
3)What specific maladaptive behavior do I engage in when triggered, and why does it feel important for me to shift these behaviors moving forward?
(“I just repeat the same parenting style I saw modeled: I yell and I threaten until she does the dishes. It’s important for me to shift this moving forward, because I don’t want to pass on trauma to another generation.”)
4) What underlying need or desire might this behavior be fulfilling? Why do you suspect this trigger causes this response? How else could you think about this situation?
(“When I feel out of control, my instinct is to exert control at all costs. Instead I can remember that my goal is not ‘compliance’ but to teach Cora how to honor her desires while honoring authorities, so that she learns how to become a contributing member of her community while maintaining healthy personal boundaries.”)
5) What alternative strategies can I try when I feel triggered or the urge to engage in this behavior? How can I initiate or reinforce positive changes?
(“Pre-emptively, when it’s Chores Day, I can approach my daughter the way I would approach an employee: Explain what needs to be done and the desired timeline. Help her understand the significance of this task in context of the greater mission. Ask her what timeline she feels is reasonable for completion and what support or resources she will need in order to accomplish the activity. I can express positive intentions in advance, appreciation during, and gratitude after completion. Reactively, I can remind myself to breathe slowly until I’m calm before responding. I will allow myself to eat dark chocolate when I successfully navigate a tense situation without losing my temper.”)
I’d love to hear what best practices you use help yourself identify and “defuse” triggers and shift unwanted patterns of behavior.
Big hugs,
Caitlin
