Building a Eucharistic Marriage

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Building a Eucharistic Marriage Building a Eucharistic Marriage is a 7 part online program for Catholic couples. The Discovering Our Deepest Desire (D.O.D.D.) The D.O.D.D.

curriculum is not just about strengthening marriages, but it is also about building Marriage Education teams in our church that provide marriage support and encouragement to those in need. It seeks to encourage ongoing support versus a “flash-in-the-pan” approach. Too many people wait too long to get help for their marriage, out of fear of what it will look like to others. Often, couple’s wait until their marriage is in extreme crises or at the end-of-the-rope before finally seeking help; and often, at this point, it is too late. concept is built upon creating ongoing support for couples and for reducing the stigma of marriage education being only for those in trouble. Rather, it should be readily available in our churches in order to help couples grow in and work at their marriage, ongoing, with the support of their faith community.

(John 8: 4-5,7) - “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commande...
09/24/2026

(John 8: 4-5,7) - “Teacher, this woman was caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the law, Moses commanded us to stone such women. So, what do you say?” …when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
I used to love this passage when I was a kid, often because I felt like I was blamed for so many bad behaviors, and I wished everyone else knew they were ‘no saint’ either. Today, I still love this passage, but for reasons not the same as my earlier one. We live in a world where so few people take accountability for their own behaviors and many even justify their poor decisions. Many are quick to point blame at others to get the culpability off of themselves.

This is very destructive when it is displayed in our relationship with our spouse. So many couples that I see in therapy are quick to list all of the faults of their spouse and exaggerate each memory in hopes of getting me on their side. In addition, they are also good at minimizing their own liability through a string of justifications and accusations of spousal misunderstandings and lies. These moments quickly digress into a pool of angry banter and tears.

In the Scripture above, Jesus is calling each one of us to look at our own sins and failings and to “heal thyself first.” The problem is that we expect others to change, but often we are not willing to do the same. We expect so much of others but give back so little of ourselves in return. The only person we can change is ourselves. Focus more on how you can make things better in yourself and in your relationship. And, since none of us are without sin, we need to stop throwing stones and instead start using them to build bridges back to each other.

ACTION STEP: This week, avoid quick justifications of your behavior and blaming of your spouse for problems in your marriage. Seek to improve yourself first.

(Sirach 11:7-8) – “Before investigating, find no fault; examine first, then criticize. Before hearing, answer not, and i...
09/24/2026

(Sirach 11:7-8) – “Before investigating, find no fault; examine first, then criticize. Before hearing, answer not, and interrupt no one in the middle of his speech.”

One of the biggest turn-offs in trying to communicate with another person is when they talk over us or start to respond and give a rebuttal before we have even finished our thoughts regarding an issue. This can happen regularly between married couples and is often a huge reason why marital communication breaks down. This behavior tells our spouse, without ever saying it, that ‘I don’t want to hear what you have to say, and I don’t agree!’ If we don’t listen, we won’t understand. If we don’t understand, how can we ever deal with the real issue at hand?

Too many people hear only enough to start formulating a defense, which in turn puts the whole conversation on a defensive path. Sometimes we hear only enough to override our spouse’s observations with our own views of the situation, and again we start a battle between two perceptions. Denying or disagreeing with someone’s perception is often a recipe for disaster if we are not willing to first understand it.

However, productive communication demands respect for each person. As listeners, we must allow them to explain their ‘perception of things’ and seek to truly understand their point of view, before presenting a counter perception. I know this sounds a little technical, but all this is suggesting is that it is more destructive to argue when you don’t fully understand than it is to gather all the information before responding, disagreeing, or criticizing. We all have our own perspective about things, and understanding their side of things, before we get our ‘dander up,’ will often help us to reduce sending our spouse the wrong message.

ACTION STEP: This week, stop yourself from interrupting your spouse during discussions and seek to first understand their point of view.

09/22/2026

Marriage Matters Video #93 -- Control or Consideration

(Romans 14: 19 – 21) – “Let us then pursue what leads to peace and to building up one another. For the sake of food, do ...
09/14/2026

(Romans 14: 19 – 21) – “Let us then pursue what leads to peace and to building up one another. For the sake of food, do not destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for anyone to become a stumbling block by eating; it is good not to eat meat or drink w**e or do anything that causes your brother to stumble.”

Here is a passage in Scripture that is hard for many people to swallow (pun intended). Why? Because often we want what we want, when we want it, and we get upset with our spouse (or anyone for that matter) when they get in the way of it. We want to blame them for having the problem and get upset with their unreasonableness or infringement on our rights or our little pleasures in life. But what I have often found is that 99% of the time, when someone who loves you has an issue with what you are eating or with what you are drinking and how much you are consuming, there usually is a fairly good reason for it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard one spouse complain about the other spouse’s use or abuse of alcohol, only to get a rebuke and a justification from the other spouse about their choice. Then when I learn more about their situation, I hear story after story about how alcohol was involved in many of their conflicts. I also have heard couples make multiple comments about the types of food their spouse eats and lets their children eat. The majority of the time, the deep concern in their complaint is usually regarding a worry they have about their spouse’s health or maybe about how much money is being spent.

Either way, we have to ask ourselves, is this choice of food or drink worth the destruction of my marital relationship? What is it about my actions regarding this choice that is causing so much angst for my loved one? Why am I finding it hard to let go of this particular pleasure in my life? I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have things we find pleasure in, but if my pleasure is causing my beloved pain, for whatever reason, is it worth it?

ACTION STEP: This week, take note of any choices you are making regarding food, drink, or maybe even activities that cause your spouse concern. Seek help from God and your spouse in choosing more “relationship friendly” options.

We are bombarded everyday with negative news about corruption, scandal, death, and destruction, which often evokes our f...
09/14/2026

We are bombarded everyday with negative news about corruption, scandal, death, and destruction, which often evokes our fears and weighs down our hearts. This negativity can depress our mood and incite anger and frustration. Too often, I have seen how this ‘focus on all the problems of the world’ has created division, frustration, or concern between spouses as they argue politics, feel pressure to compromise values, or just watch as their loved one self-destructs over issues that they have no control over. It happened in my own marriage just a few years ago.

Caught up in my own hopelessness regarding the leaders of our nation, my wife saw me focused more on conspiracy theories and news hype, than on being joyful for my many blessings. It wasn’t until I listened to a podcast by Fr. Mike Schmitz that my heart and mind finally found freedom from the chains I had placed on my own heart. The podcast that I listened to was called; “It’s Not Your Vineyard.” The message that I heard loud and clear was that this world is not my vineyard to control and fret over. It is God’s vineyard, and He is still in control. It is His job to work out all the messy details of judgment and redemption. My job is to do the Will of God every day, to do the things that are within my control, and to shine Christ’s light and truth into the world around me.

You see, Satan wants to destroy our spirits through getting our ‘eyes off of Christ’ and the mission God has placed before us. He wants us to focus more on the ‘raging sea’ around us, so that, like Peter, we will start to sink into the depths of despair, hopelessness, and wrath. In turn, the devil uses this anger to also self-destruct the relationships we have around us. But God says, “Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matt. 14:31). Once we learn to give to God our cares about the world, trust that He is watching over us and His vineyard, and seek His grace to help us fulfill the mission He has set before us, we will finally know peace in a world that is at war. And that peace we find in knowing, loving, and trusting God, will radiate toward those we love and the world around us.

ACTION STEP: This week, turn off the news, trust God to deal with the ‘vineyard, and find more ways to let your light shine to your family.

As a parent of seven children, I have come to believe that every child’s mission in life is to figure out how to pull on...
08/26/2026

As a parent of seven children, I have come to believe that every child’s mission in life is to figure out how to pull one over on their parents so that they can get what they want. Maybe I am overstating this, but this is what it feels like on many days. Children will beg and plead until you feel as though you will explode, which is what we do sometimes, or we give in to get them off our back. However, I’ve learned that it is not just about them just trying to get what they want, but it is also their way of discovering established boundaries and testing them to see if they are flexible, breakable, or unmovable. The family is a safe place for our children to learn how to deal with rules and boundaries because out in the world, they will be up against a lot more of them that have bigger consequences. If we do not guide them well in this arena, they will have a ‘tough go of it’ out there. So, it is important as parents that we work as a team and make sure that we are consistent in our plan of action, discipline, and follow-through.

Kids need consistency. So, it becomes important for you and your spouse to decide, early on, the boundaries you want for your family, what to do if the boundaries need some tweaking, and how you plan to deal with the “back-door” approach (i.e., If Mom says no, then I’ll just go ask Dad). If you and your spouse are not on the same page, your kids will figure out your weakness and work it to their advantage. If they discover boundaries are unmovable, they will be forced to reconsider their options or let the issue go. Many parents struggle with this at times, because they don’t like it when their kids are angry with them. But remember, your job is not to always be liked, but to love them by keeping them safe and to give them healthy life tools. Also remember, it is okay to say ‘NO’ to your kids.

It is also important to recognize that sometimes a boundary needs to change due to our children’s changing needs OR because we see that what we intended is not what we are getting. It is important to regularly re-evaluate our family guidelines and rules, always making sure not to undermine our spouse, and not to make changes based on unhealthy outside pressure. The critical thing is that spouses work together, seek to be properly informed, keep their mission in mind, and with guidance, set and shape family boundaries. Consistency is the key!

ACTION STEP: This week, sit down with your spouse and evaluate your unified consistency in parenting, or lack thereof. Seek ways to unify in this area.

“Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.” – St. Pope John Paul 2, From his book “...
08/26/2026

“Love between man and woman cannot be built without sacrifices and self-denial.” – St. Pope John Paul 2, From his book “Love and Responsibility.”

My colleague and I were recently reflecting on the topic of selfishness in regard to one of the main issues we were seeing in most counseling couples. So many spouses often find themselves in a ‘bad state’ in their marriage when one or both become more self-focused rather than other focused. The sad part is that we thought about how much this has also played out, in big and subtle ways, in our own marriages over the years. When we boiled it all down, at the root, selfishness comes when we don’t trust God or our loved ones to truly meet our ‘needs’ and we seek to meet them through our misguided ‘desires’ and ‘wants.’

We seek to love and be loved, yet when we don’t truly believe in God’s love for us or our spouse’s love for us, due to struggles, arguments, and hardships, we may find ourselves seeking for it in other unhealthy relationships. We long for peace and joy, but when we can’t see it in our marriage or when the world’s troubles make us doubt God’s presence in our lives, we can often turn to using possessions, risky experiences, alcohol, drugs, money, etc. to try to make us happy or to fill the void. Yet each one of these substitutes often comes with a price or a destructive effect, and never truly satisfies our hunger. We may even utilize lies to cover up our search for and acquisition of these things, due to our spouse’s opposition to them, and often risk damaging our marital relationship even more. The further we divide in marriage, the deeper the selfishness often grows.

The answer: seeking to know and trust in God more and seeking to become more Eucharistic in our marriage. It’s not easy, but these are the first steps. First, we must develop a trust in God that He will meet all of our needs if we remain faithful to Him. Second, if spouses are both being Eucharistic in marriage and working hard at ‘feeding’ each other’s needs, there is often a fulfillment and satisfaction that accompanies these actions. Spouses, if feeling really cared for and secure in their marriage, will often encourage each other in things that they want to do that are healthy, productive, and stress reducing (i.e. hobbies, retreats, dad and mom nights out, gardening, woodworking, etc.). Will this totally eliminate selfishness? No, because we live in a broken world. Will it reduce the amount of selfishness? Well, why don’t you all help me test it out?

ACTION STEP: This week, look for ways to understand your spouse’s daily needs and work to help them get their needs met.

My wife and I have recently been dealing with many changes in our lives as our kids grow up and become their own ‘person...
08/12/2026

My wife and I have recently been dealing with many changes in our lives as our kids grow up and become their own ‘persons.’ We recently had one child get married and moved to Oregon, another one that gave birth to our second grandchild and moved to Virginia, and three that are spending their summer break from college working at retreat centers far away. The last one at home is growing up fast, mourning the changes with his older siblings, while becoming more independent himself. In the midst of it all, my wife and I have had to deal with a plethora of emotions and challenges. As I have said to my adult children just recently, “it seems that my life is decreasing as your lives are increasing.”

I know this sounds dramatic and depressing, but in many ways, it is true. My parenting role is decreasing. My energy level is decreasing. My kid’s dependence on me is decreasing. On the positive side, my food bills, household noise levels, and expenses are also decreasing. With all of these changes though, my wife and I have had to learn to navigate through them, grieve the losses, and readjust our plans moving forward. Sometimes there is just no easy way to do it. We must bear these crosses that come with having and loving children. They bring so much to our life that we feel the great void when even one of them is missing. If spouses are not careful, however, these changes can create a deep divide between them.

What have my wife and I learned? First, always work on your marriage so that when your kids leave someday, you do not also find that you have lost knowing who your spouse is. Second, when your children are still with you, together with your spouse, make every day memorable even if you do it only in small ways. Third, when you go through the trials as a couple, do not force each other to “get back to a happy state.” Sometimes, we just need to cry together and embrace each other through it. It will not kill you. Be patient and work together with your spouse on building a new ‘normal’ in your life. However, most of all, keep praying together and asking God to guide you through every stage.

ACTION STEP: This week, seek new ways to work together with your spouse through your current trials. Stop trying to bear them alone or allowing your spouse to bear them alone.

“When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.” - G.K. C...
08/12/2026

“When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.” - G.K. Chesterton

A big problem for couples who have been married for a longer period of time is complacency. We are faced with the responsibility of so much in our life that we often allow our marital relationship to go into ‘autopilot.’ With so much to do in our day-to-day life - work, house maintenance, raising children, attending activities, etc., we can often take our marriage for granted and forget to listen to and consider the needs of our spouse. Then, when we feel forgotten or neglected, we can move towards feelings of resentment or frustration toward each other. The solution: gratitude.

Do we take time everyday to count our blessings and to thank God for the many gifts He has given to us, or do we take them for granted and get frustrated with God when problems arise? Do we notice the things our spouse does for us on a daily basis and show them gratitude for these gifts or do we find ourselves often focused on all of their mistakes, faults, and shortcomings? Do we take time for each other and work to be intentional in our time together and in our communication with each other, or do we go into our own little world while we are together, through our phones and computers?

Going to church each week should remind us that we are called to be a people of gratefulness. The Eucharistic celebration of the Mass is just that. Eucharist (or Eucharistia) literally means “thanksgiving.” We go to Mass to give God thanks for everything we have and everything He has given us. But even this can be taken for granted. So, we need to continually awaken ourselves from our stupor, turn off our ‘autopilot,’ and work at showing our appreciation to God, our spouse, and our children, even if just in little ways. We should continually build up our family bonds and live with our heart and head fully ‘in the game.’

ACTION STEP: This week, seek out the areas in your family life where you have grown complacent and seek new ways to show gratitude.

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” - Fr. Theodore Hesburgh, Catholic P...
08/12/2026

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” - Fr. Theodore Hesburgh, Catholic Priest, Author, & Educator

Often in couple’s counseling, I’m called upon to help couples bridge the division around issues regarding the raising and disciplining of their children. This is a huge concern for many marriages due to individual differences when it comes to parenting ideas and beliefs. People often get stuck in ideas of “the best way” to raise children, usually stemming from positive or negative experiences from their own childhood, and they argue with their spouse about their way being right and their spouse’s way being wrong. The problem is that with every newly developing family comes new dynamics, new problems, new challenges, and new personalities, which call for a new approach.

I often encourage couples to stop trying to win the argument and to spend more time working together on what is best for their family. The important thing is that we work as a team to come up with a plan for shaping, guiding and disciplining our family and to support each other in the process. We need to pull from some things we’ve learned from our past, pull from some things we’ve learned from others whom we admire and trust, and to pull from some things that we learn from trial and error. But this requires both parents to work together and seek not only what is best, but also take into consideration our spouse’s needs and struggles.

As stated in the quote above, the first thing that needs to happen for the successful raising of our children is to give them a sense of safety and security in their home-life. This starts with seeking God's guidance and grace first, and then through loving and respecting your spouse. We need to work as a team and support each other through successes as well as failures, and to continue to work together on better ways to help our kids learn about life, love, and self-control. This calls for us primarily to nurture and maintain love and self-control in our relationship with each other.

ACTION STEP: This week, pray for more opportunities to show your kids how much you love them by showing them how much you love your spouse.

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