17/06/2025
MASSIVE RESCUE OPERATION LAUNCHED AFTER MAN FALLS INTO STRAND ROAD POTHOLE
A huge Father's Day rescue effort is underway on the Strand Road today, as emergency services work to rescue a man who fell into one of the road’s gigantic potholes overnight, Pure Derry has learned.
“CCTV confirms that a local man, whilst attempting to cross to Moran's, Strand Road on foot, was observed falling into a big massy pothole” confirmed Constable Doug Hole from the PSNI.
“A dog walker heard faint screams for help early this morning, and when we sent a probe down, sure enough there was fella from Shanty at the bottom, starving and gasping for a smoke”
Initial efforts to reach him proved difficult, as standard rescue equipment doesn't go to such extreme depths. However local businesses in the area have rallied together to find innovative, manly solutions.
“JP Corry's sent down a lock of drain pipe, which we've connected together to create a life saving umbilical cord to the man's location” explained local firefighter, Pete Burns.
“We've been sending down fresh compressed air from Modern Tyres, sausage rolls from Moran's, and v**e oils from Walled City V**e - Strand Road all morning, but now he's copped on its all free, and remembered it's Father's Day!.….. so he's requesting a big massy burrito from GUAPO - Fresh Mexican. We are wile worried it will block the pipe.”
“He wants all four meats” he confirmed.
Derry’s elaborate pothole network has grown substantially in recent years, thanks to an alleged top secret joint-effort by the Road Service and NI Water, to create a cheap drainage system for the city.
“Our beloved potholes might be unpopular with local drivers” explained spokesman, Rory Flood, “but when it was bucketing down last week, they really saved our bacon”
”Both Strand Road and Foyle Road would still be under water if we weren't so diligent about preserving this critical drainage infrastructure”
Police have confirmed they are investigating allegations that the pothole in question was created by tyre replacement businesses on the Strand Road, in a sneaky effort to generate more business.
“We're looking into it ” confirmed Police Derry City & Strabane
Happy Father's Day, men. ☺️👊