19/01/2022
The Ladybird book of Understanding your Driving Instructor!
If you’ve decided you want to pass your driving test, you’ll need to learn how to control a car and how to deal with traffic. You might not have realised though that you’ll need to learn how to deal with a Driving Instructor. There are around 40,000 of these individuals in the country and you’ll want to keep a good one when you find one. Here are some helpful tips and hints:
Cleanliness - A quick spray of Lynx Africa wont cut it if you haven’t had a shower for 4 days.
Time-keeping - Go out in time for your lesson. You’ll get sent a text if you’re 5 minutes late. At 10 minutes late your instructor will be away quicker than a Junkie’s Giro.
Payment: Tell your instructor you need to stop at an ATM at the beginning of your lesson. Waiting till the end will infuriate them.
During your lessons you’ll find you are forced to learn lots of things that you’ll never use in day to day driving, like checking blindspots, reversing into parking bays, identifying road-signs, obeying speed limits etc. Might seem pointless but the examiner will look for them on test day so it has to be done.
Despite the fact you’ve survived 17 years only looking forwards, you’ll find your instructor is obsessed with what’s happening behind you and to your sides. If this was truly important then obviously you’d have eyes on the side of your head like a fish. Sadly if you fail to check your mirrors frequently, you’ll find they nag you constantly or invent lots of silly games to force you to check them.
Around 99% of the population conform to the requirements of saluting Magpies. Driving Instructors don’t though, and will spout nonsense about road-safety if you dare carry out the usual salutations when on the move.
Everyone knows that being able to tell left from right is a black art, at best a 50/50 guess. Instructors however, go on courses at the Transportation Instruction Training School, where they master the art, getting it correct every time. Unfortunately for you this means they will expect you to be at the same level, despite having had only the 17 years to learn. Try turning right at a roundabout when you should’ve went left and they’ll react like you’ve just shat in their kettle.
Instructors are generally much younger than they appear but poor vehicle-sympathy prematurely ages them. Each crunched gear change or slipped clutch means yet another grey hair or wrinkle so take it easy. If they pat the dash and apologise to the car a lot, you might need to improve your smoothness or co-ordination.
Observing your instructors body-language at the end of the lesson will provide a good indication if they are likely to turn up again next week:
Did they drive away leaning forwards avoiding a sweaty seat-back?
Did they have to wipe a salty mess off the gear-knob?
Did you actually make it home or was the lesson abandoned in a pub car-park and they went in for a swift one?
Did they storm off in a huff when you drove in to the canal?
Are you still on your first instructor or are they instructor number 5 or 6?
Look after your instructor, treat them well and you’ll find they turn up week after week, until you can finally wave them goodbye and go on to develop your own style of driving. Treat them poorly though, you’ll find they might fake their own death or change mobile number to avoid you!
Beep beep!
😂☹️☹️
