09/27/2022
***Ode To The Married Car Guys***
You know, John...
Marriage Counselors and Relationship Psychologists say:
"A Man who MUST HAVE MULTIPLE old classic cars in their possession at all times...no matter their condition............Are actually acting out their TRUE inner feelings, self serving emotions AND an abundance of sexual frustration brought on from being in a "single partner" long term relationship (I.E. Married with Children)!
This is ALL DIRECTLY DUE TO these type Men's inability to totally and completely SUBMIT and COMMIT to...and/or...be FAITHFUL AND MONOGAMOUS with... their long term single partner relationship.
So, to avoid the emotionally painful and financially destructive inevitable outcome of such inner mind draining feelings that first, Separation...and then finally, Divorce... brings to these Men's World.....they subconsciously SUBSTITUTE the Multiple Classic Car Buying and Ownership with what otherwise would be multiple relationships with multiple Women (or men?).......for more likely than not, as only for sexual interest and the sexual "release" of such tension that had built up over the many years that a monotonous marriage brings.
So, having multiple relationships.....whether it be referring to sexual partners OR Classic Automobiles...(both humorously referred to as "Getting Some STRANGE") has been researched and found to be a NECESSARY function....or as these Men's Wives would call it.... A "NECESSARY EVIL" ....of the Men in this World who are fondly identified as "CAR GUYS"!
So Gentlemen.....
The next time you return home, probably late for that PLANNED 3 months in advance, Dinner Out with the In-Laws, that she swears she reminded you about that very morning!....🤔
Or Worse..Its Your 5th Wedding Anniversary.😬
OR EVEN WORSE YET....HER BIRTHDAY!!!...😵💫
...and you are dragging home YET ANOTHER 50 plus year old heap of metal up on that Car Trailer that she reminds you weekly was money spent and wasted... that SHOULD HAVE went to replace that 50 plus year old Washer and Dryer she is STILL having to use....
AND SHE MEETS YOU IN THE DRIVEWAY, ALL DRESSED UP TO THE NINES...EXCEPT FOR THE EYE MAKEUP YOU SEE RUNNING DOWN HER CHEEK MIXED WITH THE PERSPIRATION THAT MAY HAVE BEEN BROUGHT ON FROM RACKING A 00 BUCK SHOTGUN SHELL INTO YOUR 12GA RE*****ON.....
(that you just happen to notice IS NOT standing in its normal spot just behind the garage door).
HER ARMS ARE CROSSED.... SHE IS SHAKING WITH EXPLOSIVE MADNESS RAPIDLY TAPPING HER FOOT....AS SHE STARES AT YOU WITH THE MOST HORRIBLE "STINK EYE STARE" YOU HAVE EVER SEEN HER CAPABLE OF MAKING!
THE GLOWING WHITE HEAT OF ANGER COMING OFF OF HER IS SO HOT .... IT IS MAKING THE SPACE ABOVE HER HEAD WISP AND WAVER INTO A MIRAGE OF THE BLACK POOL OF WATER.......JUST LIKE THE SUNS HEAT CAUSES THE ROADWAY TO LOOK...OUT IN FRONT OF YOU ON A LONG FLAT STRETCH OF SUMMERTIME HIGHWAY!
As you look to the front porch...there you see your faithful MAN'S Best Friend that you named CUJO ...that seemed so fitting to his normal mannerism...EXCEPT for right this minute!
That vicious Bully Pit you got and spent endless hours training him to FEAR NOTHING...And to protect your home, your family and YOUR CARS (not necessarily in that order)...... is laying up under the front steps of the house.....and as he watches you and your rig roll to a stop....your lovely Wife begins to walk towards you....
CUJO lets out a squeaky sounding whimper as he back crawls his ass back another 10 or 12 feet...so he is up under the house where nothing can reach him!
JUST AS YOU BEGIN TO FEEL ALL OF THE OXYGEN BEING SUCKED OUT OF THE ATMOSPHERE....AND YOUR WIFE IS NOW ALMOST WITH IN STRIKING YOU DISTANCE....
QUICKLY DROP TO YOUR KNEES AND IMMEDIATELY HOLD UP A LARGER PRINTED COPY OF THIS ENTIRE POST SCRIPT!
AND SCREAM OUT LIKE A LITTLE BITCH PROFESSING YOUR LOVE FOR HER WHILE BEGGING HER TO READ THIS POST IN ITS ENTIRETY!
(Oh ..it doesn't hurt to scream you bought this one FOR HER...or...If she doesn't like it...YOU WILL go buy her that 2022 Bentley Convertible she has her eye on!....not really, but it SHOULD buy you a few more minutes on this Earth).
Once you do get her attention into reading my post here......YOU REPEATEDLY confess you have a serious case of "CAR GUY ADDICTION"!...BUT...
SHE SHOULD BE THANKFUL THAT YOU ARE NOT A CHEATER...THAT THERE NEVER HAS BEEN AND NEVER WILL BE ANY WOMAN FOR YOU...BUT HER!
BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER AND THE KIDS SOOOOOOO MUCH!
***Repeat the above Over and Over...until you feel the oxygen begin to return to the air and you actually SEE the passed out birds, scattered all over the ground, begin to awake and try to fly again!
By: BILL MAXON
- Married 3x's...Divorced Twice
- Still has SEVEN (7) of his
Classic Pontiacs
