02/21/2026
By Mike Oxlong
TDS News
NEW YORK, NY—In the single greatest display of credentialed stupidity since the invention of participation trophies, the United Federation of Teachers — a union stuffed with people who brag about master’s degrees in “Decolonizing Mathematics” and “Advanced Virtue Signaling” — are now melting down after the socialist mayor they endorsed with 64% of the delegate vote began raiding their retiree health benefits fund to cover a $5.4 billion deficit.
“We were told he’d just tax the rich and everything would be free forever!” wailed 8th-grade social studies teacher Dr. Karen “Equity” McWoke, who holds not one but two advanced degrees in being catastrophically wrong about basic economics. “Free city buses! Free housing! Free gender-affirming crayons for the kids! How was I supposed to know that ‘soak the rich’ actually meant soaking our pensions so we can keep illegal immigrants in five-star hotels with spa services, organic meals, and little mints on the pillows? We’re educators! We teach critical thinking!”
Union leaders, who spent the entire campaign gushing over Mamdani’s promise of a socialist utopia where money grows on taxpayer-funded trees and borders are a cis-hetero construct, issued a strongly worded statement that they are “deeply troubled” and will be holding “several listening sessions, equity audits, and a mandatory Zoom on systemic disappointment.”
At press time, the same brilliant pedagogues were reportedly still chanting “Tax the rich harder!” while quietly refreshing Zillow listings in Florida and wondering how their 401(k)s are doing in red states.
