Camper Van, Camper Man

Camper Van, Camper Man A camper van, and a camper man. And his wife and kids. And dog.

08/09/2026

1 minute and 15 seconds of the final song (Fighting) is all I managed to capture of Saturday's .band gig at The Bunker. Shoddy, I know. But well worth a listen then a like and a follow, don't you think? I also managed to completely miss the lead guitarist. I won't be seeking employment as a videographer any time soon. 😕

Midges and rain. And ice creams.
26/08/2022

Midges and rain. And ice creams.

23/08/2022

Paddle Boarding

AKA Eva and Dad's Hour of Paddle Boarding Fun and Adventure.

The early morning mirror-flat loch had been whisked away and replaced somewhat petulantly by what we experienced members of the Scottish paddle boarding community (ahem) call 'a wee nippy one'.

Who am I kidding, the loch was broadly flat, with just an occasional ripple caused by passing boats, gentle breezes, and wobbly paddle boarders. Even the wetsuits played ball and allowed for fairly straightforward access and egress.

But the paddle boarding itself, I hear you cry, was it a success?

Yes, yes it was! For the most part anyway.

One of us glided effortlessly along, straight as an arrow with not a wobble or a waver. In the shallow bits anyway.

One of us wobbled like crazy, but miraculously managed to not fall in, and even completed the hour with a quite magnificent, graceful (in their eyes, though a replay by the day's video editor later suggested otherwise) and most importantly deliberate beaching and walking ashore, copied from a more experienced paddle border who had been watched carefully the day before for hints and tips.

One of us got scared when they couldn't see the bottom because "there might be sharks!" and had a quite frankly appalling sit down hissy fit, made worse by the board having the temerity to stop facing they way she wanted whilst she had the first half of the hissy fit.

One of us towed the other across the deeper part of the loch by getting the second person to lie down and hold onto the handy handle at the back of the first person's board. Being careful not to drop "the oarrrrrrr ... good catch, Eva!" And brought them back again too, when they promised to stop whining about the potential for sharks.

But fun was had by all, and we're looking forward to having another go next time. As long as there are no sharks.

Stoats

"What have you got there, Dad?"
"It's stout, Henry"
"Isn't that an animal Dad?"
"Yes Henry, I'm sat here drinking a can of small, thin, furry animal."

Midges

The midge forecast was at a level 1 today. Officially this meant that midges would be at their lowest level of threat. I used some poetic licence with the word 'threat' there, I think the midge forecast says 'activity' but on recent experience 'threat' seems more appropriate.

They only came out on this evening while I was listening to the new neighbours bicker (who has four kids if you're of the 'shout at the kids all the time' persuasion? Stop at two, like we did) and trying to enjoy a can of stoat.

Only one board available, so I stepped in and did as any dad would do.
23/08/2022

Only one board available, so I stepped in and did as any dad would do.

22/08/2022

Henry

Sometimes Henry comes out with something really quite insightful, intelligent or interesting. Only sometimes though, most of the time he's a nut job.

Yesterday was a nut job day, I give you: "I can't believe so many people drive more than five hours just to have a walk round this Loch. I mean, it's nice, but five hours?!"

Let's pick that apart.

1. He'd recognised the loch was nice, which is good. And a relief, because if where we're staying isn't nice it can be very difficult few days.

2. He realised that not everybody at the loch was staying at the loch. Again, that's good. Often if he's doing something somewhere then everybody must be there doing the same thing.

3. He'd recognised that most people had driven there, which means he'd realised that the paddleboarders, canoers and walkers hadn't all paddleboarded, canoed or walked there.

Which of course leaves the five hours thing left to answer. Delicately.

"So, Henry, why do you think it's taken everybody five hours to get here?"

"Well it took us five hours to get here!"

"Yes, but not everybody has driven from Sunderland."

"Oh. Right."

And then he wandered off, deep in thought. Maybe. Who knows what goes on in that head.

Eva

Eva has been wandering round the forest the last couple of days wearing a deer-patterned hoodie. Is it deer hunting season? I hope not! At least she hasn't had the hood up, that comes complete with big deer eyes and little antlers. Things could have ended up very messy. I'd hate to be the hunter who shot at a deer-clad Eva, she can be quite caustic at the best of times but a hunter mistaking her for an actual deer wouldn't have known what had hit them.

Landmark Park

Today we visited Landmark Park. The 'n' in Landmark has three little dots above it, I never worked out why. Maybe they were aiming for a faux-continental look? Anyway, it was good. Lots to do, not too busy. Ideal.

Henry and I did a high ropes course, much to Eva's disgust because she wanted to do the high ropes course but was too small. Despite a recent growth spurt Eva is still short for her age and hates to be reminded of it.

I suspected Henry only wanted to do the high ropes course because Eva couldn't, and about half way through the first obstacle I realised he was terrified. But give him his dues he got round, despite the Landmark be-tshirted employee telling him off for not doing it properly.
We'd abandoned any pretence that he was going to make it round doing it properly so I suggested he just sit and slide along the cables then pull himself along to the next platform, sometime with the assistance of a foot or arm from me. It worked: he got round, survived and, once he'd stopped shaking, claimed to have enjoyed it. That's 'properly' enough for me.

Eva had to make do with the mid-sized ropes course, which she flew round in next to no time while Henry recovered with an ice cream and a sit down. I think she was trying to make a point, though maybe she was just expecting an ice cream too.

Muckle Spate

Landmark is in a little village called Carrs-bridge, famous for a derelict bridge caused by a flood called, I kid you not, the 'Muckle Spate'. I like that, it does exactly what it says on the tin. I can imagine the Big Flood Naming Committee conversation, shortly after the big flood.

Chairman: Ok, the only agenda item for today, what shall we call it?
Jeff (there's always a Jeff at committees): Call what?
*sighs all round
Chairman: Keep up Jeff, we're the Big Flood Naming Committee. There's been a big flood, we need to name it.
Jeff: Well we call a flood a spate round here, and we say that something big is muckle, so how about the Muckle Spate?
Chairman: too obvious Jeff, too obvious. Any other suggestions?
Brian (another committee member sounding name): er, lads, the pub shuts in five minutes can we get a move on?
Chairman: Muckle Spate it is, meeting adjourned!

Bear

Bear was shattered this evening after a full day of being fussed over by strangers, his favourite kind of day. He was so tired I put a bowl of water down for him and he shuffled over without standing up to have a drink.

He was not so tired that he couldn't jump up in my seat when I went to say goodnight to Eva though.

Paddleboarding

Eva and I are paddleboarding tomorrow. I'm pleased to say it has warmed up today and should be warmer still tomorrow. There's no Muckle Spates forecast either, so what could possibly go wrong ...

21/08/2022

Stop Press!

Most days pass by quietly, perhaps interspersed with moments that briefly raise some interest but are barely noteworthy. Some days, some lucky days, live long in the memory as having a particular high point of interest, intrigue or excitement. Today we had two moments of excitement in less than 30 seconds. I know, crazy!

First, Eva spotted a bug on my lip. She then almost immediately choked on her Werther's Original.

Of course the inquest started immediately. What kind of bug was it? (I don't know, I squashed it as I moved my hand to my lip.) Did it bite me? (It feels slightly swollen, but I'll survive.) How didn't I feel it? (I was cold.) But most importantly of all, how did Eva have a Werther's Original when nobody else did?

The Wife is many things to many people, but she is not, never has been, and never will be a holder of guilty secrets, and she cracked under no more than a withering look of suspicion. "It was the last one and she asked nicely and I thought nobody else would notice and and and I'm sorry!"

We gathered round to briefly mourn the loss of the last Werther's Original - in dislodging said sweet from her throat Eva had coughed it up onto the pavement - and with heavy hearts (all of us) a guilty conscious (The Wife) and a slightly sore lip (me) we moved on.

Soup and Cheese

Our Scottish brethren are mental. Like, proper nuts. I've long suspected this, but today proved it. The cafe woman (Glenmore Forest Park Visitor Centre - nice pulled pork nachos, slightly disappointing coffee) - offered to swap the salad and crisps that came with Henry's jacket potato (meat balls and cheese filling) for soup and cheese, or a scone. Not a cheese scone, no: I asked to be sure. Soup and cheese, or a scone. For £2 extra. Mental.

Is this some strange Scottish delicacy that has somehow passed me by? Haggis, Irn Bru, Tunnocks Teacakes, deep fried Mars bars, and jacket potato with soup and cheese?

Midges

Midges shall henceforth be renamed Little Swarming Bitey Bastards. I think there's a few landed in the al fresco curry we're cooking up: free protein and a few less Little Swarming Bitey Bastards, a win all round I reckon.

We had a nice walk round the Loch, despite the Little Swarming Bitey Bastards. It's been on Game of Thrones apparently. I reckon it must have been a location near the big wall of ice in The North, because even though it's August it's been well cold.

I also reckon the Little Swarming Bitey Bastards are worse than Daenerys's dragon. Perhaps not the one that razed King's Landing to the ground, though if the Little Swarming Bitey Bastards we have had were there they'd have flown up and driven the dragon to distraction before it had done so much as char a couple of peasants.

Was it Kings Landing? Can't remember now, but I'm sure you still get the point.

Cold

Did I mention it was cold today? So cold in fact that I had to wear a t-shirt, jumper, thin jacket, thicker jacket and body warmer while watching The Wife and Eva swim in the loch. And even then The Wife called out to ask if I was ok because she thought I looked cold. Which was very thoughtful, though I wish she'd waited until the dog walkers had passed us as they did turn and snigger a little.

Mmmmm, bacon.
21/08/2022

Mmmmm, bacon.

20/08/2022

We're Scotland bound, so to celebrate .... Road Trippin' (Aviemore-or-less Remix)

Bob is sad. Which makes me sad.I've tried telling him his newly acquired scars give him a more rugged, well travelled, v...
19/08/2022

Bob is sad. Which makes me sad.

I've tried telling him his newly acquired scars give him a more rugged, well travelled, van-of-the-world look.

Bob says getting hit by an illegal off-road bike just off the Felling bypass is not something he feels he can spin into a convincing story of excitement and bravado for any new camper vans he meets this week.

Maybe he has a point.

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29 Stockton Road
Sunderland
SR2 7AQ

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